paid the piper

So I decided that I wasn't going to act my age at all, I wasn't going to be the responsible parent, the doting wife and the enter myself into the league of extraordinary gentlemen - ladymen?! I was going to pretend that life wasn't full and stress wasn't at peak levels - instead I was this teenager (alright I would have to at least be alcohilically legal) and was going to have fun.

It wasn't fun. At least, the ending wasn't fun. How does a person not realize how much they have drank? Its a question that still boggles my mind as I remember neighbors and friends refilling drinks without asking. I remember saying, "Come on, I can't do a shot by myself who's with me?" and I remember drunk hugs. I was always this huggy person drunk.

Maybe it was slightly fun, but when you drink enough the thoughts do come flooding back and when the party is in full swing and everyone is liquored up beyond comprehension I began thinking again. And the tears fell. Yes, tears. I was crying. Hubby would ask, "Why are you crying?" I'd reply, "I don't know." and he'd say "Then stop." And I would. Just like that.

Hell I wish that was magic that could happen without the alcohol. But as I was saying, the thoughts all come flooding back and I start whimpering again that I am a bad mother, I am drunk, I am beyond and yet still making sense and thinking I am this horrible mother. I knew my children were taking care of but at that moment in that time I knew that I could not take care of them myself.

So the tears would come again. And again, he'd tell me to stop. And I would.

Deep down, I knew I wasn't a bad mother but it took me a few days even after to fully realize. How often do I drink, never. That really is the answer. I needed an all out night and I had it, and believe me I payed for it the next two days. I was sicker than I could ever remember being. I vaguely remember my hubby helping me in the house. He is a gem.

Yep, I threw up. That would now make twice in my entire life that I have drank enough to warrant vomit. Is that an accompishment or something to hide on those dusty shelves?