clock hands travel.

I sat waiting - yesterday, today. Did you know the minute hands don't move on the clock when you are physcially staring at them. And the doctors and the nurses, all their faces begin to look the same and sound the same. Its like some strange version of a weird sci-fi movie.

She had surgery, it was a simply procedure and in truth she is dead from the neck down (as she says) but it was to pull the innards upwards. Leaking is a bitch apparently and really rather smelly. She breezed through but the clock, that clock is a motherfucker.

I was out on the highway again right after dropping the children off, one was wheezing and the other complained of a bellyache - some days school is my enemy. But they were off and of course were fine. But the drive, the traffic, it sucks. I lived on the turnpike, 408 and I4 there was just no way around anything.

It makes you wonder what people are thinking when they drive. The radios playing, many cell phones out. Who really wants to be on the cell phone right away?

Obama says...

Obama says, “Families are off limits.”


I can perhaps agree with that in a sense, but when you are in the eye of the public everything will be analyzed – and even more so when you foundation says you speak of abstinence and doing away with birth control. So every step analyzed, every gesture recorded and every syllable taken apart. Is it right, perhaps not but it is what happens.

Yes, I am talking of Palin a woman with less than two years experience and no international experience at all. How do we put someone like that into office? How would it even be right and how does McCain have the gall to have picked her when he preached of Obama’s lack of experience. It is the pot calling the kettle black.

And it isn’t right.

Everyone is indeed entitled to their own opinions, and I would agree that the state of this country is awful. It needs change, it needs revitalization but it needs to continue moving forward and not backward. The human rights need to stay intact, the rights of woman, my god if birth control is done away with we become a third world country getting abortions of birth control in dirty corners where everything is less than clean.

It boggles my mind, did McCain truly believe he would woe Hilary supporters because of palin’s vagina? Her platform is not similar, he stance is not similar and she surely doesn’t have the same charisma as Hilary did (at least in my opinion). The second boggle to my mind is, does McCain really believe that the staunch Christians would even want to see a woman in office, I mean really let’s think about it.

Politics are a three ring circus, but I really think that McCain has dug his grave electing Palin as VP.

disgusted.

I really need to tackle the politics. Its on tomorrow or Tuesday's agenda. It is perhaps one of the first elections where I am truly, truly following. Details, histories, everything.

And I am disgusted.

nagging screens bite back

Some days I feel like a failure. I sit at the screen and see all these words but nothing comes together, nothing makes sense to me - and it scares me. Me, someone who truly and fully loves words. I've always wanted to write, wanted to be something and show my words to everyone...

and now they just seem lost. I hate the self doubt, the feeling of failure to myself. It will pass, it always does but these seconds, these moments where the screen mocks me -

I swear I can hear the sarcastic laughter and the finger pointing. The computer makes me feel like I am in school again with snide jokes and red faces, eyes downcast and lost in the sea of oblivion. Its like I am just not popular anymore.

paid the piper

So I decided that I wasn't going to act my age at all, I wasn't going to be the responsible parent, the doting wife and the enter myself into the league of extraordinary gentlemen - ladymen?! I was going to pretend that life wasn't full and stress wasn't at peak levels - instead I was this teenager (alright I would have to at least be alcohilically legal) and was going to have fun.

It wasn't fun. At least, the ending wasn't fun. How does a person not realize how much they have drank? Its a question that still boggles my mind as I remember neighbors and friends refilling drinks without asking. I remember saying, "Come on, I can't do a shot by myself who's with me?" and I remember drunk hugs. I was always this huggy person drunk.

Maybe it was slightly fun, but when you drink enough the thoughts do come flooding back and when the party is in full swing and everyone is liquored up beyond comprehension I began thinking again. And the tears fell. Yes, tears. I was crying. Hubby would ask, "Why are you crying?" I'd reply, "I don't know." and he'd say "Then stop." And I would. Just like that.

Hell I wish that was magic that could happen without the alcohol. But as I was saying, the thoughts all come flooding back and I start whimpering again that I am a bad mother, I am drunk, I am beyond and yet still making sense and thinking I am this horrible mother. I knew my children were taking care of but at that moment in that time I knew that I could not take care of them myself.

So the tears would come again. And again, he'd tell me to stop. And I would.

Deep down, I knew I wasn't a bad mother but it took me a few days even after to fully realize. How often do I drink, never. That really is the answer. I needed an all out night and I had it, and believe me I payed for it the next two days. I was sicker than I could ever remember being. I vaguely remember my hubby helping me in the house. He is a gem.

Yep, I threw up. That would now make twice in my entire life that I have drank enough to warrant vomit. Is that an accompishment or something to hide on those dusty shelves?

gray skeletons tell no tales

World citizens. Its such a simple thing. Am I an American citizen, no I am a citizen of the world with ethnicity that transcends the bounds placed by political claws. I have no true home, I live through the world immersing myself in culture, wanting to know more.

Its an addiction, knowledge. If there was a money tree somewhere in the near vicinity I would learn, class after class, time after time. I want to know all the things inbetween. I want to be more than who I am. Perhaps that is overextending oneself?

There have been color lines drawn around here lately. Kids on bicycles riding past mulatto families and yelling white power to children who are playing in the yard. No ourselves personally, but just a street or two away. This is where we live. It doesn't change.

We don't live in a free world, we live in a world of hate where one person deems themselves better than another. Am I the only one to see this? Why? I could ask the question over and over and the answer wouldn't change. It is what it is. We are who we are.

Mulatto. Just a word, I love the way it rolls off the tongue but the whiplash received seems to have gotten worse. In the last month the bigotry personally faced is more than I ever had to encounter when living elsewhere. Sometimes I wonder if its just the area. Are big cities any better?

White and black combined makes gray - how many backgrounds are filled with multicolored illusions, stories passed down. Or do they keep those skeletons in the closet?